I will never have objective answers to tell me exactly how
my brain chemistry, upbringing, and environment contributed to the development
of my personality, attitudes, and behavior choices , but I am okay with
that. What I will have is my own
subjective answers once this book manuscript is complete, which is everything a hopeless
overanalyzer could strive for. Part of my motivation for this project is
undoubtedly selfish. My rational, logical mind has processed everything that
has happened in my life regarding my family, but I have not opened myself up to
the emotional repercussions of having two mentally ill parents. I often try to
wrap my head around what’s worse; never having social support from my parents
once I reached adulthood, or the pressure of being the sole provider of social
support as a young adult. And maybe “worse” is the wrong word because there are
positives: Living my life without having parental "support" has made me so
independent that I know that the only person I need in life is me. I think
about the adults out there who are overly dependent on their loving, supportive
parents and consequently, miss out on important lessons about themselves that
life has to offer. They get less of a chance to learn than I have had. Not to mention
the reality of the cycle of life and that one day, their parents will not be
around to hold them up and support them. I don’t ever have to worry about that
because I know I am okay on my own. Then there’s the weight of responsibility
on my shoulders. Too much too bear at times? It certainly seemed so, especially
when so many things were happening at once. But it taught me resilience and
gives me confidence in myself to know that there is nothing I can’t handle. And
part of me needs to feel needed, probably because it is all I know and am used
to. But at the end of the day I know that if my brothers get into a situation
where they need advice or support or someone to bail them out (being an enabler
is the flip side of that, and I have been guilty of that), that they know that
they have me.
You had a hard life with a lot of weight on your shoulders. I know what this feels like. Not having my paranoid schizophrenic mother around and living with my dad had it's challenges. I too grew up fast due to having to help raise my little sisters. I am very independent just like you. I look at people where they depend on their parents. A lot of them just can't do some things and are lost without their parents. I've never had that feeling, so I don't know what it feels like, but I'm glad that I know I can make it on my own because of my childhood. It's great that your brothers can count on you like my sisters can count on me. You are a strong person. I will enjoy hearing your story.
ReplyDeleteI think that's a huge reason why I'm so glad to finally be doing this- there are people out there like yourself with similar obstacles...easy to forget during the daily grind. I'm glad your sisters have you to count on, it's such a privilege to be able to provide that type of family support..and definitely not easy a lot of the time!
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