2020 Update

Since starting this blog in 2012, I have learned so much more about the full impact of my early life experiences on who I am today. A lot of the qualities that I deemed "my silver lining" (fierce independence, perfectionism, "fixing") are actually trauma responses. I am grateful for who I am and privileged to be where I am today, but I now understand what is/has been my true cross to bear: codependency issues and subconsciously choosing (and being "chosen" by) pathologically narcissistic individuals which has culminated in extremely toxic relational dynamics that have caused so much pain, despair, and cumulative trauma throughout my life. The most significant and impactful example (because it has served- and will continue to serve- as a lifelong lesson) is what ultimately facilitated this epiphany and provided the motivation to heal what I now know to be attachment trauma wounds, from the inside out. I can now fully understand my role in, and contribution to, the dysfunction in an authentic way...and cannot overstate the extent to which awareness, responsibilty, and accountability are key to breaking maladaptive patterns which would otherwise be doomed to repeat. We only change if WE want to. And we will continue to get what we tolerate. 

Perceived "rock bottom", a lot of really hard work on myself, and trauma therapy over the last few years has gotten me to a place where some of what I had written thus far really needs to be expounded upon to reflect my increased and ever evolving awareness and understanding. Since one of my goals is to always be a work in progress I suppose this will always be the case to some degree, but I am committed to finding the time soon to focus on completing a manuscript for publication. 

I think it might also be helpful to others to share how I am working so hard to ensure that my daughters grow up in a psychologically healthy environment with a secure attachment to me so that the generational cycle of trauma is broken....at least insofar as the proportion I can personally control by being my healthiest self for them. Based on so much research I am grateful to be able to hold onto the fact that this should be enough to set them up for success for emotional well being and psychological health.

Sadly my father's story has ended; he was finally released from confinement in 2014 and set up with a new payee and apartment in Florida which worked out for a time, but without significant support he was unable to stay on his medications and was ultimately killed in a hit and run while walking on the interstate in June 2015.