2020 Update

Since starting this blog in 2012, I have learned so much more about the full impact of my early life experiences on who I am today. A lot of the qualities that I deemed "my silver lining" (fierce independence, perfectionism, "fixing") are actually trauma responses. I am grateful for who I am and privileged to be where I am today, but I now understand what is/has been my true cross to bear: codependency issues and subconsciously choosing (and being "chosen" by) pathologically narcissistic individuals which has culminated in extremely toxic relational dynamics that have caused so much pain, despair, and cumulative trauma throughout my life. The most significant and impactful example (because it has served- and will continue to serve- as a lifelong lesson) is what ultimately facilitated this epiphany and provided the motivation to heal what I now know to be attachment trauma wounds, from the inside out. I can now fully understand my role in, and contribution to, the dysfunction in an authentic way...and cannot overstate the extent to which awareness, responsibilty, and accountability are key to breaking maladaptive patterns which would otherwise be doomed to repeat. We only change if WE want to. And we will continue to get what we tolerate. 

Perceived "rock bottom", a lot of really hard work on myself, and trauma therapy over the last few years has gotten me to a place where some of what I had written thus far really needs to be expounded upon to reflect my increased and ever evolving awareness and understanding. Since one of my goals is to always be a work in progress I suppose this will always be the case to some degree, but I am committed to finding the time soon to focus on completing a manuscript for publication. 

I think it might also be helpful to others to share how I am working so hard to ensure that my daughters grow up in a psychologically healthy environment with a secure attachment to me so that the generational cycle of trauma is broken....at least insofar as the proportion I can personally control by being my healthiest self for them. Based on so much research I am grateful to be able to hold onto the fact that this should be enough to set them up for success for emotional well being and psychological health.

Sadly my father's story has ended; he was finally released from confinement in 2014 and set up with a new payee and apartment in Florida which worked out for a time, but without significant support he was unable to stay on his medications and was ultimately killed in a hit and run while walking on the interstate in June 2015. 

Update..no update...

Sitting here on Halloween watching The Lost Boys, I can’t help remember that it is one of my dad’s favorite horror movies. He always had an affinity for scary movies, in particular those involving vampires. Unfortunately dad is still in jail even though he has been accepted in mental health court. Why? Because no half way house has agreed to take him yet. According to his forensic case worker, this is largely a financial issue. Dad has no resources currently. I was his payee and sent money all over the United States twice a week via Western Union for an extensive period of time, but then he went missing. I feared something horrible had happened to him. It turned out he was in jail, but given my responsibility for my minor brother and fear that losing track of dad again while getting his disability checks could be a liability, I relinquished payee status. We ended up giving payee status to a man who own apartments that he rents out to mentally ill post release from custody in Fort Myers, Florida (where I found my dad the next time). I figured that way he would at least have a roof over his head and food. That didn’t last long though, as he disappeared and was ultimately arrested again in July 2010 (this is the arrest for which he is currently incarcerated). Dad is not eligible to his disability while in custody, but I have no clue as to exactly when it stopped. Ironically I work for social security disability but cannot expedite this process or see what is going on whatsoever. Dad’s social worker now knows the situation and I directed her to contact social security in Florida, so perhaps things will be sorted out soon and dad will be released from jail.  Hopefully he will remain compliant with his meds to avoid tragedy on the streets or re-incarceration. I want to see him when I can take vacation in May and let him know that while he has been in his own personal nightmare, a re-make of Fright Night is out, and one of Dark Shadows will be released soon. Maybe we can have a movie marathon circa 1995. Baby steps…

Mental Health Court it is....

Dad was accepted into mental health court and will likely be released early next week to a group home with probation type stipulations such as being court ordered to take his medication and go before the judge regularly to show he is being compliant. This is literally my dad's last hope I fear, so I am trying to be positive but prepared. This situation is more structured than in the past, but ignoring history would be naive.

The Good:

Dad will not be on the street. He will have a roof over his head and people trying to make sure he is on his meds and safe. He will not be in jail anymore, which was never where my father belonged. 2 of the 3 charges will be dismissed as long as he is compliant with the plea arrangement.

The Bad:

My dad, whose homeless nomadic lifestyle has resulted in countless misdemeanor arrests, jail stays, and state hospital stays, is now a felon. Should he not comply with the courts by staying at his half way house in Lee County, taking his meds, and reporting to the courts as required, the deal is off and he will be returned to jail to face the original 3 felony charges. So unfortunate since he was psychotic and delusional when the crimes occurred and had no idea what he was even doing. In all of the years that my father roamed the country leading up to the instant offense in Fort Myers, he never displayed violent behavior. He would never hurt a fly, of that I am certain. Yes, he likely scared people and surely displayed bizarre behavior that of course could be perceived as threatening. I was terrified when I saw my father off his meds, although not of him.

The Ugly:

My dad has a history of taking off no matter what the circumstances (well, since his major break in 1999). When I got him transferred from the psychiatric hospital in Iowa to Columbus in 2006, he was ultimately released from the state hospital into an apartment that I got him near my own. I made sure he had a court appointed guardian in control of medical decisions and was his SSDI payee. I visited dad often but within a month or so, he was gone.  I was left with a trashed apartment and a broken, dejected heart. He came back and ended up being placed in a group home. With custody of Ian, then in middle school, I couldn’t risk my credit by signing for an apartment again. Again I visited often, but within the month he was off his meds and roaming the country again. He has been in other group homes as well with the same outcome. Because he has the threat of re-arrest hopefully he will stay put this time, but to be honest I would be absolutely shocked. He is paranoid of others and never does well in that type of setting. Plus I am not there to visit. No one is. I will do my best to be in touch and stress the ramifications should he choose to take off, but I am battling against a relentless disease: one that tells my dad not to take his meds. The voices start as whispers, but then get louder and louder until he is compelled to listen. Then the cycle begins again. But this time my dad will be a homeless felon with an active warrant. And he is 62, too old for the homeless lifestyle. I am so scared for him. I am scared for me. And what could happen. Hopefully, maybe, this time it will be different. I truly feel this is the last hope.

My father’s attorney said he had a great chance of successfully using the Insanity Defense and ultimately being found not guilty. That would have been my preference. But then he would’ve had to stay in jail for who knows how long until after the trial and would have probably been ordered into a hospital for an infinite amount of time. I can’t blame dad for wanting to be free, after more than 2 years in custody. Hopefully the outcome of mental health court will be better than what my instinct tells me. I want to be wrong….

Update

Since Ian, the now 20 year old brother I raised from age 9 due to my parent's inability to do so themselves, is living with me again (summer break from college in FL turned into permanent move back to Cbus and transfer to OSU) I have been too distracted to keep up with this. Not good! I am also teaching two criminology classes and working full time. No excuses, but what would it take to be able to just write and survive? Maybe when I'm 50 lol, right now I need the full time job to survive. Teaching makes me appreciate how much I should not be doing my current job: not utilizing the skills I worked so hard to build while I was earning my PhD, not pursuing my passion, etc.. Oh well. Hoping to be where I want to be a year from now at the very latest.

So this update is short:

My dad, who had been found incompetent and not restorable to face his criminal charges from 2010 when he was off his meds and without a clue as to what reality was at the the time, is now competent according to the courts! He has been on meds for so long in the forensic hospital that he is doing better than I have seen him in a DECADE! Now is he without paranoid thoughts and delusions? No. But for the last few months we have been able to have quasi "normal" conversations, way less rambling, he asks me about my life more, etc.. It's hopeful. Given the competency issue my father is currently back in Lee County Jail awaiting his pretrial hearing on October 2nd. At that time I will know more about whether he is eligible for mental health court (his best chance because then he has to comply with psych meds and treatment for a specified amount of time in order for the charges to be dismissed), if he has the option to be released due to time served in the hospital (without resources, a one way ticket back to psychosis and the street, this time as a felon which would undoubtedly be even more problematic), if he refuses to plead guilty to a felony (as he promised me, even though he didn't really understand my position as to why doing so is not a good idea) and the charges are pursued (paving the way for an insanity defense that his attorney is pretty confident we would win). I know not many defendants are successful with an insanity defense but hey, my mom did it with way less justification. My father's attorney has reiterated the ridiculousness of the charges against my father given the severity of his illness, and the state attorney seemed to agree with me that my dad does not belong in prison or thrown back into the streets without much needed structure and support. So we'll see I guess.

Happy Father's Day Dad, I won't give up!

I don’t even think my affidavit to the judge made a difference- the state attorney struck the defense attorney’s motion to dismiss my dad’s charges and she withdrew the motion. This means that my dad is back in the hospital, safe until a November competency hearing of some sort. Great news, right? Well for the short term it absolutely is. My dad will not be dumped out homeless on the street (yet anyways). It is confusing because my father’s attorney told me that the state is trying to get my dad restored to competency so that he can face his charges- which makes incarceration likely (or that he is dumped out homeless if his sentence exceeds his time served in jail and hospitals). When I spoke to the state attorney before the last hearing she completely agreed that my father belongs in a hospital or some sort of structured environment, not in prison. So there is a conflict between what my dad’s attorney is telling me and the state attorney’s perspective I gathered from our conversations. 

My dad has not called me since the hearing. I don’t know if that is because he is still in jail and unable to until he is transferred back to the hospital, or if he did see or hear my affidavit and thinks I am against him for not wanting his charges dismissed. At this point it is difficult because of course I don’t want my father incarcerated, that is one of the worst case scenarios! But is it worse than the streets where he will stop taking his medication and possibly get hurt, killed, or re-arrested and in jail again? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am trying to get in touch with EVERYONE involved in my father’s case to come up with several plans contingent on the host of outcomes that may be a reality in November (or some future date, who knows):

1.       IS there a structured environment available for my father if the criminal charges are released?

2.       What type of community options, such as halfway houses, are available for my father is he is released (even though these likely aren’t structured enough to get him medication compliant long term and the cycle will begin again, it bides some time where he is more likely to be safe)?

3.       Can I evaluate all of the possibilities and get them as in place as possible before dad’s next hearing?

So far this week I have called the attorneys, dad’s case worker and forensic specialist. It is not imperative that I reach the attorneys immediately and I articulated that on those messages so its understandable they haven't called back. However, the people who can and are supposed to assist with my father’s care and well being RARELY IF EVER RETURN MY CALLS!!!! ESPECIALLY HIS CASE WORKER AT THE HOSPITAL!!  Yes there is time now, but there won’t be in a few months and they only call me back when something is imminently pending or has already happened. 

How am I supposed to protect my dad when no one will help me try to help him until it’s too late?

What can I do now to be proactive?

I don’t have the funds to hire an attorney in Florida or I would have done that already. For once I have a concrete time limit- well unless the hearing date changes. And even though what happens at that point is largely unknown, possibilities can be assessed and contingency plans developed.

Happy Father’s Day dad, I love you so much and will not give up! Even though you may believe I am against you by not supporting your immediate release that is not the case. Quite the contrary, dad. You will only understand if I am successful with all of this, but I’m okay with that…

Affidavit to the judge who could release my father into homelessness and restart the cycle THIS Monday...

Your Honor,
I am writing this in the hope that you will consider my perspective prior to my father's dismissal hearing. While I absolutely agree that my father will not gain competence to stand trial for his criminal charges within the five-year period following his arrest, I am extremely concerned for his well being if you make the decision to dismiss his charges and release him. Without supervision, my father will continue his decade long pattern of homelessness, non-compliance with medication, commission of criminal offenses, arrest, jail, mental hospital, institutional release, and repeat. I am extremely concerned because my father is in imminent danger on the streets as a non-medicated sixty one year old with paranoid psychoses, incapable of independent functioning or managing activities of daily living. I love my father and want him to be safe and not incarcerated in jail or prison, where someone as mentally ill as he does not belong.

My father has been homeless since 2001, literally roaming the United States. He-or police officers, social workers, mental health personnel, or attorneys- have contacted me from no fewer than fifteen states over the last decade. He has been arrested too many times to count for loitering and other (usually minor) offenses only to be placed jail, then transferred to psychiatric hospitals, and released…sometimes with no structure at all, and sometimes in group homes where he is compliant at first but then decompensates and disappears. When institutionalized and on anti-psychotic medications my father does improve, but he is always released before adequately stabilized on his medications given legal constraints of the system designed for the mentally ill in contemporary American society, along with institutionalized constraints such as limited resources i.e. infinitely more demand than supply.

Despite being awarded full legal custody of my minor brother Ian in 2011 two years after my father’s psychotic break (I was twenty-one years old, he was nine) and raising him to adulthood while successfully earning a doctorate in Criminology from Ohio State University, I tried to help my father several times throughout the years to no avail. One example of many follows:

My father was arrested for a criminal offense in Iowa in 2006 and admitted into a psychiatric facility there once they realized the severity of his mental impairments. I was able to get him transferred to Columbus, Ohio and institutionalized at Twin Valley State Hospital under an Involuntary Baker Act. The hospital was unable to get him stabilized on his medication because it takes so long and had to release him because he was no longer considered “an imminent danger to himself or others”. Unfortunately, my father IS a danger to himself; they just take his word for it, note the slightest improvement, and push him out for others waiting for a bed at the state hospital. I became his SSI payee (he has been on disability for paranoid schizophrenia since before I was even born) and got him an apartment.  I also went to court and had a legal guardian appointed to be in charge of his medical decisions to make the process of hospitalizing him easier in the future if/when he stops taking his medication and becomes paranoid and psychotic.

Within two weeks of the above reference release, my father was off his medication, trashed the apartment I had set up for him, and disappeared. For the next two years, I sent his money twice a week via Western Union to more than thirty different cities around the country. Then he disappeared again. I thought something terrible happened to him and terminated my responsibility as his payee. Thank G-d he was okay...incarcerated again. In the meantime, the guardian terminated his responsibility because his jurisdiction is only in Ohio and my father “doesn’t stay in Ohio, he just roams, so I can’t help him.”

Fast forward to now. Since my father was transferred from Lee County Jail to a hospital and put on medication, he has been doing better than I have seen him since his psychotic break in 1999 (there were two off and on years before he truly became homeless). When I first started speaking to my father, he was mumbled and incoherent. While he is still not stable by any means, he can carry on somewhat of a logical conversation. From what I gather, he is no longer emaciated and has gained quite a bit of weight.

A long term structured environment  for my father may be the last and only hope for getting back the father I once knew- hospitalization for an extensive enough period to potentially stabilize him. To be honest it may end up another failed attempt and disappointment, who knows. However, I will say that releasing him now is inevitably failure. My father’s social security disability funds are on hold given his institutionalization. This is a current roadblock to his resources, but more pertinent is the fact, supported by considerable longitudinal evidence that I can and am more than happy to provide, that my father is completely incapable of managing his own funds, finding housing, taking medication or taking care of himself and his basic needs. His voices tell him not to take his medication so in an unstructured environment my father stops taking them and sooner or later is roaming the streets once again, psychotic and an imminent danger to himself. He is sixty-one years old and I am relatively sure he cannot take much more of this lifestyle.

If nothing else please make sure my father is in a safe place until the social workers can place him in a group home and get his funds back in order. This is not enough to keep him stable but better than dumping him on the streets. Will it be a failed attempt? Based on personal experience, likely so, but at least then there is a bit more of a chance.  My father will likely end up in the Lee County criminal justice system again, or in jail in another jurisdiction in short order, or worse if he is not in a structured environment long term. I got my father into a group home in Columbus once and, while he was off of his medication within a few months or so and then gone again, that was a few more months where he had a roof over his shoulders and food in his stomach. That is not the best case scenario but at least it is not the worst, at least at the present time.

One last thing I want to note: Before my father’s initial “breakdown”, he played a pivotal role in raising my brothers and me, taking care of my mom given her mental illnesses throughout my childhood (and even during her “nervous breakdown” a few years prior to his own psychotic break), as well as caring for his mother in law with Alzheimer’s’ who was moved into our home. He adequately managed all of this for years before he could not take it anymore. A psychologically healthy individual may not have been able to do this. He had a severe psychotic episode before I was born in the late 1970s but given that it was prior to Reagan’s deinstitutionalization policy changes, he was hospitalized for an extended period and not released until adequately stable, medication compliant, and capable of independent living. Then he was stable for 19 years! This is why I hold out that last little bit of hope that my father can get well enough to enjoy the later years of his life to some degree, rather than die alone on the streets or in jail.

Thank you so much for your time, I am sorry I cannot be there in person. I can and will provide documentation to support all of the above and more, if needed. 

The Current State of Affairs

For my book, I intend to chronologically document the roller coaster ride of my father's "breakdown" and aftermath throughout the subsequent decade (to the present) as well as its effect on the lives of my brothers and myself: the process of getting legal custody of Ian and what it was like successfully raising a 9 year old as a twenty one year old (He is now 20! I did it! Was I perfect or even close? Absolutely, positively not! That was my 20s- well that and school- but I wouldn't take it back for anything. Ian is super intelligent, charming, insightful, ... the list goes on and on...Yes, we still fight like siblings and he definitely hated me for awhile lol..still soooo worth it :)), other familial crises along the way, and how I managed to simultaneously fulfill my educational aspirations and become what I believe is a stronger person because of adversity.

However, one of my biggest regrets is not keeping track of everything in detail as it was happening...aside from legal documents, medical and arrest records, etc.. which will be included as important research data for this manuscript. Had I kept a detailed written record much of this book would have been written! I will say, though, that even at this early stage the process of reflecting on things that I spent many years shelving and avoiding in the depths of my subconscious mind has already been mentally taxing to a degree and will continue to be. Cathartic? Yes. Important and worthy to describe, analyze, and share? In my opinion, absolutely.

CURRENT AFFAIRS

My father is currently institutionalized in a psychiatric state hospital in Florida. He committed a criminal offense in 2010 (this is not rare; my dad has a lengthy arrest record in a minimum of ten states throughout the country- homeless type offenses, all while off his medication and psychotic. He has NEVER been physically violent no matter how delusional and sick). Usually the courts recognize his mental illness, drop the charges, and hospitalize him. He starts to get better with medication and stabilize but due to the lack of space in psychiatric facilities and typical legal process in dealing with people like my father, they release him into a less structured environment where he decompensates and ultimately stops taking his medication. Then the cycle repeats. And repeats. Well this time in Florida it was different. They didn't drop the charges. His public defender saw immediately how mentally ill my father was when he visited him in jail, but it took NEARLY A YEAR to get my dad into a psychiatric facility. Once transferred there and eventually to a second state run facility where he now resdies, my father's condition has been steadily improving. He calls me regularly and I can happily report that the mumbling, nonsensical, fragmented conversations are slowly turning into actual conversation.

The problem? My dad is "awaiting competency" to face his criminal charges. What this means is that if he improves enough, he may be returned to jail. What do you think will happen then? Complete decompensation of course. It's a catch-22 and I pray it won't become a possibility. I am having a hard time getting all of the contact information I need as I'm sure the social worker there is overloaded with too many cases as most tend to be unfortunately, but will be diligent so that I can protest, send documentation, and talk to everyone involved in this process should it become an issue. If potential competency is not considered, the charges against my father will be dropped 5 years after his arrest date and he will be released. This is another potential disaster of course, as my father may very well stop taking his medication in an unstructured environment and return to homelessness and his nomadic life. This was dangerous enough in 1999-2010 throughout his 50s, but as a man in his early 60s? I don't want to think about it. His former public defender warned me about this: the clock is ticking, and if I don't have or get resources to be able to provide the environment dad needs for at least a chance of stability, the cycle will likely repeat. He's seen it "way too many times". So have I. At least I have a little time....