Update..no update...

Sitting here on Halloween watching The Lost Boys, I can’t help remember that it is one of my dad’s favorite horror movies. He always had an affinity for scary movies, in particular those involving vampires. Unfortunately dad is still in jail even though he has been accepted in mental health court. Why? Because no half way house has agreed to take him yet. According to his forensic case worker, this is largely a financial issue. Dad has no resources currently. I was his payee and sent money all over the United States twice a week via Western Union for an extensive period of time, but then he went missing. I feared something horrible had happened to him. It turned out he was in jail, but given my responsibility for my minor brother and fear that losing track of dad again while getting his disability checks could be a liability, I relinquished payee status. We ended up giving payee status to a man who own apartments that he rents out to mentally ill post release from custody in Fort Myers, Florida (where I found my dad the next time). I figured that way he would at least have a roof over his head and food. That didn’t last long though, as he disappeared and was ultimately arrested again in July 2010 (this is the arrest for which he is currently incarcerated). Dad is not eligible to his disability while in custody, but I have no clue as to exactly when it stopped. Ironically I work for social security disability but cannot expedite this process or see what is going on whatsoever. Dad’s social worker now knows the situation and I directed her to contact social security in Florida, so perhaps things will be sorted out soon and dad will be released from jail.  Hopefully he will remain compliant with his meds to avoid tragedy on the streets or re-incarceration. I want to see him when I can take vacation in May and let him know that while he has been in his own personal nightmare, a re-make of Fright Night is out, and one of Dark Shadows will be released soon. Maybe we can have a movie marathon circa 1995. Baby steps…

Mental Health Court it is....

Dad was accepted into mental health court and will likely be released early next week to a group home with probation type stipulations such as being court ordered to take his medication and go before the judge regularly to show he is being compliant. This is literally my dad's last hope I fear, so I am trying to be positive but prepared. This situation is more structured than in the past, but ignoring history would be naive.

The Good:

Dad will not be on the street. He will have a roof over his head and people trying to make sure he is on his meds and safe. He will not be in jail anymore, which was never where my father belonged. 2 of the 3 charges will be dismissed as long as he is compliant with the plea arrangement.

The Bad:

My dad, whose homeless nomadic lifestyle has resulted in countless misdemeanor arrests, jail stays, and state hospital stays, is now a felon. Should he not comply with the courts by staying at his half way house in Lee County, taking his meds, and reporting to the courts as required, the deal is off and he will be returned to jail to face the original 3 felony charges. So unfortunate since he was psychotic and delusional when the crimes occurred and had no idea what he was even doing. In all of the years that my father roamed the country leading up to the instant offense in Fort Myers, he never displayed violent behavior. He would never hurt a fly, of that I am certain. Yes, he likely scared people and surely displayed bizarre behavior that of course could be perceived as threatening. I was terrified when I saw my father off his meds, although not of him.

The Ugly:

My dad has a history of taking off no matter what the circumstances (well, since his major break in 1999). When I got him transferred from the psychiatric hospital in Iowa to Columbus in 2006, he was ultimately released from the state hospital into an apartment that I got him near my own. I made sure he had a court appointed guardian in control of medical decisions and was his SSDI payee. I visited dad often but within a month or so, he was gone.  I was left with a trashed apartment and a broken, dejected heart. He came back and ended up being placed in a group home. With custody of Ian, then in middle school, I couldn’t risk my credit by signing for an apartment again. Again I visited often, but within the month he was off his meds and roaming the country again. He has been in other group homes as well with the same outcome. Because he has the threat of re-arrest hopefully he will stay put this time, but to be honest I would be absolutely shocked. He is paranoid of others and never does well in that type of setting. Plus I am not there to visit. No one is. I will do my best to be in touch and stress the ramifications should he choose to take off, but I am battling against a relentless disease: one that tells my dad not to take his meds. The voices start as whispers, but then get louder and louder until he is compelled to listen. Then the cycle begins again. But this time my dad will be a homeless felon with an active warrant. And he is 62, too old for the homeless lifestyle. I am so scared for him. I am scared for me. And what could happen. Hopefully, maybe, this time it will be different. I truly feel this is the last hope.

My father’s attorney said he had a great chance of successfully using the Insanity Defense and ultimately being found not guilty. That would have been my preference. But then he would’ve had to stay in jail for who knows how long until after the trial and would have probably been ordered into a hospital for an infinite amount of time. I can’t blame dad for wanting to be free, after more than 2 years in custody. Hopefully the outcome of mental health court will be better than what my instinct tells me. I want to be wrong….

Update

Since Ian, the now 20 year old brother I raised from age 9 due to my parent's inability to do so themselves, is living with me again (summer break from college in FL turned into permanent move back to Cbus and transfer to OSU) I have been too distracted to keep up with this. Not good! I am also teaching two criminology classes and working full time. No excuses, but what would it take to be able to just write and survive? Maybe when I'm 50 lol, right now I need the full time job to survive. Teaching makes me appreciate how much I should not be doing my current job: not utilizing the skills I worked so hard to build while I was earning my PhD, not pursuing my passion, etc.. Oh well. Hoping to be where I want to be a year from now at the very latest.

So this update is short:

My dad, who had been found incompetent and not restorable to face his criminal charges from 2010 when he was off his meds and without a clue as to what reality was at the the time, is now competent according to the courts! He has been on meds for so long in the forensic hospital that he is doing better than I have seen him in a DECADE! Now is he without paranoid thoughts and delusions? No. But for the last few months we have been able to have quasi "normal" conversations, way less rambling, he asks me about my life more, etc.. It's hopeful. Given the competency issue my father is currently back in Lee County Jail awaiting his pretrial hearing on October 2nd. At that time I will know more about whether he is eligible for mental health court (his best chance because then he has to comply with psych meds and treatment for a specified amount of time in order for the charges to be dismissed), if he has the option to be released due to time served in the hospital (without resources, a one way ticket back to psychosis and the street, this time as a felon which would undoubtedly be even more problematic), if he refuses to plead guilty to a felony (as he promised me, even though he didn't really understand my position as to why doing so is not a good idea) and the charges are pursued (paving the way for an insanity defense that his attorney is pretty confident we would win). I know not many defendants are successful with an insanity defense but hey, my mom did it with way less justification. My father's attorney has reiterated the ridiculousness of the charges against my father given the severity of his illness, and the state attorney seemed to agree with me that my dad does not belong in prison or thrown back into the streets without much needed structure and support. So we'll see I guess.

Happy Father's Day Dad, I won't give up!

I don’t even think my affidavit to the judge made a difference- the state attorney struck the defense attorney’s motion to dismiss my dad’s charges and she withdrew the motion. This means that my dad is back in the hospital, safe until a November competency hearing of some sort. Great news, right? Well for the short term it absolutely is. My dad will not be dumped out homeless on the street (yet anyways). It is confusing because my father’s attorney told me that the state is trying to get my dad restored to competency so that he can face his charges- which makes incarceration likely (or that he is dumped out homeless if his sentence exceeds his time served in jail and hospitals). When I spoke to the state attorney before the last hearing she completely agreed that my father belongs in a hospital or some sort of structured environment, not in prison. So there is a conflict between what my dad’s attorney is telling me and the state attorney’s perspective I gathered from our conversations. 

My dad has not called me since the hearing. I don’t know if that is because he is still in jail and unable to until he is transferred back to the hospital, or if he did see or hear my affidavit and thinks I am against him for not wanting his charges dismissed. At this point it is difficult because of course I don’t want my father incarcerated, that is one of the worst case scenarios! But is it worse than the streets where he will stop taking his medication and possibly get hurt, killed, or re-arrested and in jail again? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am trying to get in touch with EVERYONE involved in my father’s case to come up with several plans contingent on the host of outcomes that may be a reality in November (or some future date, who knows):

1.       IS there a structured environment available for my father if the criminal charges are released?

2.       What type of community options, such as halfway houses, are available for my father is he is released (even though these likely aren’t structured enough to get him medication compliant long term and the cycle will begin again, it bides some time where he is more likely to be safe)?

3.       Can I evaluate all of the possibilities and get them as in place as possible before dad’s next hearing?

So far this week I have called the attorneys, dad’s case worker and forensic specialist. It is not imperative that I reach the attorneys immediately and I articulated that on those messages so its understandable they haven't called back. However, the people who can and are supposed to assist with my father’s care and well being RARELY IF EVER RETURN MY CALLS!!!! ESPECIALLY HIS CASE WORKER AT THE HOSPITAL!!  Yes there is time now, but there won’t be in a few months and they only call me back when something is imminently pending or has already happened. 

How am I supposed to protect my dad when no one will help me try to help him until it’s too late?

What can I do now to be proactive?

I don’t have the funds to hire an attorney in Florida or I would have done that already. For once I have a concrete time limit- well unless the hearing date changes. And even though what happens at that point is largely unknown, possibilities can be assessed and contingency plans developed.

Happy Father’s Day dad, I love you so much and will not give up! Even though you may believe I am against you by not supporting your immediate release that is not the case. Quite the contrary, dad. You will only understand if I am successful with all of this, but I’m okay with that…

Affidavit to the judge who could release my father into homelessness and restart the cycle THIS Monday...

Your Honor,
I am writing this in the hope that you will consider my perspective prior to my father's dismissal hearing. While I absolutely agree that my father will not gain competence to stand trial for his criminal charges within the five-year period following his arrest, I am extremely concerned for his well being if you make the decision to dismiss his charges and release him. Without supervision, my father will continue his decade long pattern of homelessness, non-compliance with medication, commission of criminal offenses, arrest, jail, mental hospital, institutional release, and repeat. I am extremely concerned because my father is in imminent danger on the streets as a non-medicated sixty one year old with paranoid psychoses, incapable of independent functioning or managing activities of daily living. I love my father and want him to be safe and not incarcerated in jail or prison, where someone as mentally ill as he does not belong.

My father has been homeless since 2001, literally roaming the United States. He-or police officers, social workers, mental health personnel, or attorneys- have contacted me from no fewer than fifteen states over the last decade. He has been arrested too many times to count for loitering and other (usually minor) offenses only to be placed jail, then transferred to psychiatric hospitals, and released…sometimes with no structure at all, and sometimes in group homes where he is compliant at first but then decompensates and disappears. When institutionalized and on anti-psychotic medications my father does improve, but he is always released before adequately stabilized on his medications given legal constraints of the system designed for the mentally ill in contemporary American society, along with institutionalized constraints such as limited resources i.e. infinitely more demand than supply.

Despite being awarded full legal custody of my minor brother Ian in 2011 two years after my father’s psychotic break (I was twenty-one years old, he was nine) and raising him to adulthood while successfully earning a doctorate in Criminology from Ohio State University, I tried to help my father several times throughout the years to no avail. One example of many follows:

My father was arrested for a criminal offense in Iowa in 2006 and admitted into a psychiatric facility there once they realized the severity of his mental impairments. I was able to get him transferred to Columbus, Ohio and institutionalized at Twin Valley State Hospital under an Involuntary Baker Act. The hospital was unable to get him stabilized on his medication because it takes so long and had to release him because he was no longer considered “an imminent danger to himself or others”. Unfortunately, my father IS a danger to himself; they just take his word for it, note the slightest improvement, and push him out for others waiting for a bed at the state hospital. I became his SSI payee (he has been on disability for paranoid schizophrenia since before I was even born) and got him an apartment.  I also went to court and had a legal guardian appointed to be in charge of his medical decisions to make the process of hospitalizing him easier in the future if/when he stops taking his medication and becomes paranoid and psychotic.

Within two weeks of the above reference release, my father was off his medication, trashed the apartment I had set up for him, and disappeared. For the next two years, I sent his money twice a week via Western Union to more than thirty different cities around the country. Then he disappeared again. I thought something terrible happened to him and terminated my responsibility as his payee. Thank G-d he was okay...incarcerated again. In the meantime, the guardian terminated his responsibility because his jurisdiction is only in Ohio and my father “doesn’t stay in Ohio, he just roams, so I can’t help him.”

Fast forward to now. Since my father was transferred from Lee County Jail to a hospital and put on medication, he has been doing better than I have seen him since his psychotic break in 1999 (there were two off and on years before he truly became homeless). When I first started speaking to my father, he was mumbled and incoherent. While he is still not stable by any means, he can carry on somewhat of a logical conversation. From what I gather, he is no longer emaciated and has gained quite a bit of weight.

A long term structured environment  for my father may be the last and only hope for getting back the father I once knew- hospitalization for an extensive enough period to potentially stabilize him. To be honest it may end up another failed attempt and disappointment, who knows. However, I will say that releasing him now is inevitably failure. My father’s social security disability funds are on hold given his institutionalization. This is a current roadblock to his resources, but more pertinent is the fact, supported by considerable longitudinal evidence that I can and am more than happy to provide, that my father is completely incapable of managing his own funds, finding housing, taking medication or taking care of himself and his basic needs. His voices tell him not to take his medication so in an unstructured environment my father stops taking them and sooner or later is roaming the streets once again, psychotic and an imminent danger to himself. He is sixty-one years old and I am relatively sure he cannot take much more of this lifestyle.

If nothing else please make sure my father is in a safe place until the social workers can place him in a group home and get his funds back in order. This is not enough to keep him stable but better than dumping him on the streets. Will it be a failed attempt? Based on personal experience, likely so, but at least then there is a bit more of a chance.  My father will likely end up in the Lee County criminal justice system again, or in jail in another jurisdiction in short order, or worse if he is not in a structured environment long term. I got my father into a group home in Columbus once and, while he was off of his medication within a few months or so and then gone again, that was a few more months where he had a roof over his shoulders and food in his stomach. That is not the best case scenario but at least it is not the worst, at least at the present time.

One last thing I want to note: Before my father’s initial “breakdown”, he played a pivotal role in raising my brothers and me, taking care of my mom given her mental illnesses throughout my childhood (and even during her “nervous breakdown” a few years prior to his own psychotic break), as well as caring for his mother in law with Alzheimer’s’ who was moved into our home. He adequately managed all of this for years before he could not take it anymore. A psychologically healthy individual may not have been able to do this. He had a severe psychotic episode before I was born in the late 1970s but given that it was prior to Reagan’s deinstitutionalization policy changes, he was hospitalized for an extended period and not released until adequately stable, medication compliant, and capable of independent living. Then he was stable for 19 years! This is why I hold out that last little bit of hope that my father can get well enough to enjoy the later years of his life to some degree, rather than die alone on the streets or in jail.

Thank you so much for your time, I am sorry I cannot be there in person. I can and will provide documentation to support all of the above and more, if needed. 

The Current State of Affairs

For my book, I intend to chronologically document the roller coaster ride of my father's "breakdown" and aftermath throughout the subsequent decade (to the present) as well as its effect on the lives of my brothers and myself: the process of getting legal custody of Ian and what it was like successfully raising a 9 year old as a twenty one year old (He is now 20! I did it! Was I perfect or even close? Absolutely, positively not! That was my 20s- well that and school- but I wouldn't take it back for anything. Ian is super intelligent, charming, insightful, ... the list goes on and on...Yes, we still fight like siblings and he definitely hated me for awhile lol..still soooo worth it :)), other familial crises along the way, and how I managed to simultaneously fulfill my educational aspirations and become what I believe is a stronger person because of adversity.

However, one of my biggest regrets is not keeping track of everything in detail as it was happening...aside from legal documents, medical and arrest records, etc.. which will be included as important research data for this manuscript. Had I kept a detailed written record much of this book would have been written! I will say, though, that even at this early stage the process of reflecting on things that I spent many years shelving and avoiding in the depths of my subconscious mind has already been mentally taxing to a degree and will continue to be. Cathartic? Yes. Important and worthy to describe, analyze, and share? In my opinion, absolutely.

CURRENT AFFAIRS

My father is currently institutionalized in a psychiatric state hospital in Florida. He committed a criminal offense in 2010 (this is not rare; my dad has a lengthy arrest record in a minimum of ten states throughout the country- homeless type offenses, all while off his medication and psychotic. He has NEVER been physically violent no matter how delusional and sick). Usually the courts recognize his mental illness, drop the charges, and hospitalize him. He starts to get better with medication and stabilize but due to the lack of space in psychiatric facilities and typical legal process in dealing with people like my father, they release him into a less structured environment where he decompensates and ultimately stops taking his medication. Then the cycle repeats. And repeats. Well this time in Florida it was different. They didn't drop the charges. His public defender saw immediately how mentally ill my father was when he visited him in jail, but it took NEARLY A YEAR to get my dad into a psychiatric facility. Once transferred there and eventually to a second state run facility where he now resdies, my father's condition has been steadily improving. He calls me regularly and I can happily report that the mumbling, nonsensical, fragmented conversations are slowly turning into actual conversation.

The problem? My dad is "awaiting competency" to face his criminal charges. What this means is that if he improves enough, he may be returned to jail. What do you think will happen then? Complete decompensation of course. It's a catch-22 and I pray it won't become a possibility. I am having a hard time getting all of the contact information I need as I'm sure the social worker there is overloaded with too many cases as most tend to be unfortunately, but will be diligent so that I can protest, send documentation, and talk to everyone involved in this process should it become an issue. If potential competency is not considered, the charges against my father will be dropped 5 years after his arrest date and he will be released. This is another potential disaster of course, as my father may very well stop taking his medication in an unstructured environment and return to homelessness and his nomadic life. This was dangerous enough in 1999-2010 throughout his 50s, but as a man in his early 60s? I don't want to think about it. His former public defender warned me about this: the clock is ticking, and if I don't have or get resources to be able to provide the environment dad needs for at least a chance of stability, the cycle will likely repeat. He's seen it "way too many times". So have I. At least I have a little time....

My Perspective on Schizophrenia (very abbreviated)

There is more evidence that schizophrenia is inherited (at least to a degree) than most, if not all, other mental illnesses via twin studies and in particular, psychobiology. Twin studies support that among those who are separated at birth and raised in different families, rates of both twins having schizophrenia are higher than among non-biological siblings raised in the same home i.e. more evidence for biology than psychology and especially, sociology. In addition, the delusions and hallucinations thought to be caused by schizophrenia are due to overactive dopamine receptors in the brain, or an imbalance of an important neurotransmitter in the brain responsible for pleasure. This makes a lot of sense when one considers drug induced psychosis that can occur from chronic stimulant abuse. Why? Because stimulants act on dopamine receptors. Each stimulant has a specific mechanism of action, but the overall effect is the same: This is why some individuals on cocaine (for example) may experience psychotic symptoms while on the drug and become intensely paranoid and delusional; for instance, believing that the FBI is watching them. So from all of the research I have been able to gather what is going on in a non-medicated schizophrenic’s brain is akin to drug induced psychosis for a brain with “normal” dopamine receptor function. This also explains why schizophrenics are treated with antipsychotic medications, which reduce the activity of dopamine in the brain to limit or eliminate psychotic delusions and/or hallucinations.

So was my dad going to be schizophrenic no matter what, simply because of his brain chemistry? I truly don’t believe so. People are not born with schizophrenia; most experience symptoms in late adolescence to early adulthood (with the exception of some who experience symptoms as adolescents but can only be diagnosed with “schizoaffective disorder” until they reach adulthood).  From a biological standpoint, it seems likely that my dad had the genetic predisposition for schizophrenia. What brought it out was likely related to psychological factors such as his upbringing and how his brain developed, although I have little information to corroborate this. Hopefully throughout this process I will acquire the sources necessary to assess this.  In terms of environmental factors, I do know that my dad experimented a lot with hallucinogenic drugs as a teenager and young adult. My mom always claimed that dad’s schizophrenia is due to that substance abuse, but I don’t buy it. Plenty of people use drugs heavily and never experience psychotic symptoms, at least not permanent long terms ones even after the drug effects have worn off. 

Could dad’s substance abuse have been the catalyst for his schizophrenia given a genetic predisposition and similarly predisposing upbringing? Absolutely, and this is what I believe to be the case, with the caveat that my perception is not based on tangible evidence but rather instinct and education.  So is his illness 50% biology, 20% psychology, and 30% sociology? Who knows? Will I ever know? Unlikely! What is the ratio of the impact of each of these disciplines for other diagnosed schizophrenics? Again, there is probably no way that we will ever know, but that doesn’t make exploring the possibilities any less valuable, at least in my mind and for my search to understand and make sense of it all. Sometimes it’s not about finding the answers, but going through the arduous task of asking questions that culminate in me finding my answers, or you finding your answers. As cliché as using an Aerosmith quote may seem, “Life is a journey, not a destination.” 

More Motivation

 I also feel compelled to share my personal experiences with the legal system. I never hired a lawyer but successfully managed to go to court for full custody of Ian (took two tries, the first set of paperwork was rejected because my mother consented but upon reading the papers I was informed that she could not simply sign over parental rights given her mental illness) and get my dad a legal guardian in charge of his medical decisions to hopefully make it possible to get him psychiatric help even without his consent (epic fail- more on that later). I never would have thought any of this possible had I not gone through these processes myself, so I want others to know how I was able to do these things, at age 21 and then again and 25, in the hopes that if these experiences are somehow relevant to their lives, this knowledge can help them.

Arguably my primary motivation for writing given its relevance to the others is my desire to compile and analyze data, plain and simple. I have always been interested in understanding human behavior from a psychological perspective. My mom loved to read non-fiction crime books and by the time I reached middle school I had gone through her whole collection and then some. I didn’t realize it at the time but I was also interested in human behavior from a sociological perspective. The desire to understand people, how they think, and why they behave in particular ways has always been fascinating. Lots more on that later. By college I knew that I wanted to be a psychology major. I was well aware of my parent’s psychiatric issues and I think I wanted to understand what was going on in their minds, but also gain an understanding of myself, my personality, and my own thoughts and behaviors. 

Actually pursuing a career in any type of counseling or the mental health field though, hit too close to home, at least then. To detach myself from my own family and personal struggles, I preferred to study violent criminals and extreme deviance. I felt that I had a pretty complete understanding of mental illness and besides, had always been the confidant, listener, and advice giver for most if not all of my friends. I didn’t want my career to essentially be akin to how I communicated with friends in my personal life. When I realized that there was a criminology major in the area of sociology, I picked up that major as well. It was the best of both worlds: understanding criminals from multiple perspectives. Eventually I went on to earn a Master’s and Doctoral Degree in Sociology with an emphasis in Criminology, although I will say that after all of the training I am not convinced that social environments are the key to human behavior; instead, I believe that there are many keys and that the impact of each is highly variable based on individual cases and can never truly be measured or known.

So yet another goal of writing this is to share and understand my own very subjective perspective of one of life’s great mysteries and most hotly contested debates: nature vs. nurture; or, as I prefer to conceptualize it, biology vs. psychology vs. sociology. Not that these disciplines have to be in opposition to one another; they don’t at all and in my mind, are all equally valuable and interconnected. I can only share how my personal experiences, research, and training affect my perceptions and individual point of view regarding the interplay of how people are wired, how our environment contributes to the development of the machine that is our mind, and how outside forces impact who we become as adults, what we do, and how we live. I will explore this with regard to myself, my mom, but most of all, my dad. 

Motivation #1: Lack of Adequate Resources

Still, it’s about more than paying tribute to the positive elements in my life and understanding and sharing how they saved me and made me who I am today. It’s about more than facing the things in my life that I packed away in a neat little box in the depths of my brain while trying to deal with day to day life and achieving my goals. And it’s about more than using this journey to help others deal with similar life struggles, understanding their hardships better through mine, or finding their silver lining so that they can heal (if I can be so lucky to help even one person in any of those ways).  

I can’t share my experiences without addressing the current state of resources available to deal with the severely mentally ill in contemporary society in The United States. Over the years, I have made many attempts to get my father the long term psychiatric care he would need to stabilize on medication and end his cycle of homeless, jail, mental hospital, release too soon, repeat. Others have tried to help as well: social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, police officers, attorneys, you name it- and all over the country! I am grateful for the countless conversations I have had with caring people who were legitimately concerned with my father's best interests. 

Unfortunately, there were always road blocks to impede my dad's progress. Some were put in place with the best of intentions to protect individual rights; for instance, HIPPA. I can't tell you how many times HIPPA worked against my efforts to communicate with people involved in my father's care in a timely fashion when the clock was always ticking. Other hurdles were due to unavailable, nonexistent, or inadequate mental health services designed for people like my father. All of the hospitals and state run psychiatric facilities my father has been admitted in over the years emphasize short term band aids i.e. "stabilize, then release" given institutional constraints (legal issues, budget limitations, overcrowding) rather than longer term solutions. Later as I go through my journey trying to get my dad back, specific examples will make this sad truth undeniably apparent. 

The only exception may be the state hospital where my father currently resides, but only because he has pending criminal charges and is currently deemed incompetent, meaning that legally he can't be released- more on that later. And there are others just like dad roaming the streets, filling our jails, and living a sad, nomadic life without hope…with families that love them and want to help them get the help that they need. And it’s difficult to say but currently there is little to no hope for people like my dad. But there could be. And there should be.

Family Photo

The most recent and only complete photo I have (and to my knowledge that exists) of my immediate family-1993 ish...somewhat surprising since my family remained "intact" until 1999...

Locus of Control

I think a lot of how we deal with adversity comes down to the psychological concept of locus of control, or how people mentally process life events: internally or externally. The extent to which this response is learned cannot be overstated, although it is dynamic. I could justify walking around bitter and angry because my parents are more like children and I was thrown into an adult role when many my age were going away to college for four years of self discovery and freedom, and to be honest there were times when I had these thoughts. “It’s not fair. I didn’t ask for any of this.” 

Eventually, though, I was able to see that even though I truly had no control of my parent’s mental states and their selfishness (mom not focusing on our well being by being immersed in loneliness and dad’s choice to roam the country homeless, immersed in his delusions and psychotic break from reality), I did have control of my reactions to the cards I was dealt. Resenting them would do me no good and although I spent many years trying to control the uncontrollable, something (some things) gave me the strength to focus on aspects of my life I could manage: Ian’s well being, my education. In many ways, Ian saved me. Having another person who relied on me and needed me forced me to be strong and stay on a productive path. School saved me by giving me a future to look forward to and a goal to distract me from self/family pity and wallowing. 

I became a master compartmentalizer though (not necessarily the most adaptive coping mechanism but it “worked” at that time in my life)…which brings me back to my urge to write about my experiences having mentally ill parents and raising Ian. Focusing on the present was my defense mechanism and it helped me when I needed it most, but at some point it is time to open the floodgates and not simply deal, but heal. That time is now. So through this process I hope to heal and maybe, just maybe, in some small way, help others (or at least one other person, really) be better equipped to deal with hard knocks. A lot to hope for, I know. 

Glimmer of Silver

But my desire to share this is more than just an opportunity for catharsis, although acknowledging the positive elements of my life so long ago and nearly forgotten is just that.  It is also a chance for me to share my thoughts on how certain advantaged dimensions of my upbringing saved my life and sanity, arguably more so than for some others for whom the mental illness of family members is an overarching life theme. It is possible to overcome, and thrive. Life is not always easy and there are times when rather than seeing the brighter side, people drown in their sorrows: “Why this, why me?” The only thing that kept me going over the years (well besides the fact that I felt I had no choice given my perception as being  the only person in my immediate family capable of being responsible for everyone else) was the positive side: “Whatever didn’t kill me, made me stronger.” It was a lot more difficult to acknowledge this while I was going through some of the more trying and devastating moments, but in retrospect it has become crystal clear. And I know it sounds cliché but once internalized, it was life changing. It gave me the confidence to believe, or rather know, that I can handle anything that comes my way in life. It made me look at others in my life who have had a smoother path thus far and empathize with the possibility that one day, they may experience something difficult that they are less equipped to handle than I would be. It could be something more or less traumatic than what I have dealt with in my life; being thrown a curveball without ever having played the sport is unimaginable to me; I am a seasoned athlete (in the figurative sense only, I assure you).  Everything is relative and for that I am thankful (now). 

Tribute

Part of me wants to make tribute to my family for providing such a strong foundation that allowed me to survive the hardships to come as soon as I reached adulthood. First and foremost my father who, despite being diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic before I was even born, managed to raise and care for me, my brothers, my mom, and even my grandmother  (his mother in law) with Alzheimer’s Disease for so many years. A “sane” man may not have been able to handle the responsibilities as well as my dad did, and for so long.  But unfortunately he eventually broke, which also plays a huge role in my desire or more accurately, need, to tell his story along with how it affected my family and me. When people see the homeless roaming the streets or panhandling, many assume that they are just lazy drug addicts, which is not usually the case. So many are, in fact, severely mentally ill. I do not know what I would have done or who I would be without my dad’s love and support throughout my life growing up. 

I also feel compelled to acknowledge my mom, who I considered to be "the unstable one" growing up because she was in and out of short term psychiatric hospitals over the years. Her concern for my success is an important dimension of the strength I have called upon to get through difficult life circumstances. From a very young age, my mom instilled a strong sense of self confidence in my intellectual abilities and did everything she could to allow them to flourish: reading with me, providing me with educational tools, sending me to enrichment programs and private school with the best possible education. She facilitated my passion for reading and learning in general which had a huge impact on my early life, academic success as a child, teenager, and adult, and ultimately the person that I am today. 

And finally, my beloved grandmother, who sheltered me from what could have otherwise been a very different life had I been around my parents enough to realize that they had severe psychiatric issues from an early age. Growing up I spent as much, if not more, time with Grandma than it home; she mentored me and taught me things that remain with me to this day. She also provided the financial resources that facilitated my education and ability to fit in with my private school peers despite mom’s modest income as a social worker and dad’s role as Mr. Mom. Despite the underlying family circumstances which could have detrimentally affected my psychological well being, the first twelve years of my life were relatively functional; arguably more so than some families with fewer dysfunctional attributes. Empirical evidence from the childhood psychology literature suggests that the first decade of an individual’s life has the largest effect on personality development and in my mind, this was undoubtedly accurate, at least for me.  

Why? Part 2

I will never have objective answers to tell me exactly how my brain chemistry, upbringing, and environment contributed to the development of my personality, attitudes, and behavior choices , but I am okay with that.  What I will have is my own subjective answers once this book manuscript is complete, which is everything a hopeless overanalyzer could strive for. Part of my motivation for this project is undoubtedly selfish. My rational, logical mind has processed everything that has happened in my life regarding my family, but I have not opened myself up to the emotional repercussions of having two mentally ill parents. I often try to wrap my head around what’s worse; never having social support from my parents once I reached adulthood, or the pressure of being the sole provider of social support as a young adult. And maybe “worse” is the wrong word because there are positives: Living my life without having parental "support" has made me so independent that I know that the only person I need in life is me. I think about the adults out there who are overly dependent on their loving, supportive parents and consequently, miss out on important lessons about themselves that life has to offer. They get less of a chance to learn than I have had. Not to mention the reality of the cycle of life and that one day, their parents will not be around to hold them up and support them. I don’t ever have to worry about that because I know I am okay on my own. Then there’s the weight of responsibility on my shoulders. Too much too bear at times? It certainly seemed so, especially when so many things were happening at once. But it taught me resilience and gives me confidence in myself to know that there is nothing I can’t handle. And part of me needs to feel needed, probably because it is all I know and am used to. But at the end of the day I know that if my brothers get into a situation where they need advice or support or someone to bail them out (being an enabler is the flip side of that, and I have been guilty of that), that they know that they have me.

Why? Part One.

Why do I feel the need to write about personal experiences that have had such a profound impact on my life and most of all, why now? What is it that I want people to understand about life by reading about mine? Or is it not about others at all but my own desire to share my difficult family circumstances and finally, once and for all, face them head on? 

Yes, like many others I have successfully dealt with hardship and have been fortunate enough to gather enough strength to manage, but it is more than that. I feel like I am a better person, a stronger person, than I would have been without these difficulties. How can so many negatives ultimately equal a positive? It’s amazing that this is even possible, and I know that there are people out there who can’t see the benefits of adversity and instead focus on what should have been, or what would have been better. There is no fault in that and there were definitely times when I felt that way as well. 

Of course I wish more than anything that there was hope for my dad and that the last 8 years of his life had not been lonely and alone while roaming the streets homeless, or in jail or mental hospitals. I wish my mom could function in society without having to escape every so often to a psychiatric hospital because she can’t handle emotions or maintain interpersonal relationships. I wish I had been better equipped to raise my brother Ian as a parental figure rather than as a frustrated sibling. I did the best I could throughout my 20s, but had I known then what I know now I would have done better. These are not the type of wishes that can ever be realized though; the past is the past. 

Overall, I did a pretty good job of living in the present  amidst all of the chaos lest I start pitying myself about not having a family to take care of me, but one for which I had to bear the responsibility. But time does not occur in a vacuum; the past, present, and future are intertwined and it’s impossible to understand oneself and others in any one of these contexts without acknowledging the whole. So despite turmoil and instability in a family plagued by severe mental illness, I am ready to try and understand how my past provided me with something (and more likely some things) that made it possible to survive in the present, and ultimately believe I will thrive in the future. 

But what? And how? All of this makes me who I am today which I wouldn’t change for anything, although I acknowledge that is somewhat ironic given the value in evolution of self. One of the greatest gifts that I am thankful for is the ability to self actualize, or continue to grow and change, to evolve and to learn.