Locus of Control

I think a lot of how we deal with adversity comes down to the psychological concept of locus of control, or how people mentally process life events: internally or externally. The extent to which this response is learned cannot be overstated, although it is dynamic. I could justify walking around bitter and angry because my parents are more like children and I was thrown into an adult role when many my age were going away to college for four years of self discovery and freedom, and to be honest there were times when I had these thoughts. “It’s not fair. I didn’t ask for any of this.” 

Eventually, though, I was able to see that even though I truly had no control of my parent’s mental states and their selfishness (mom not focusing on our well being by being immersed in loneliness and dad’s choice to roam the country homeless, immersed in his delusions and psychotic break from reality), I did have control of my reactions to the cards I was dealt. Resenting them would do me no good and although I spent many years trying to control the uncontrollable, something (some things) gave me the strength to focus on aspects of my life I could manage: Ian’s well being, my education. In many ways, Ian saved me. Having another person who relied on me and needed me forced me to be strong and stay on a productive path. School saved me by giving me a future to look forward to and a goal to distract me from self/family pity and wallowing. 

I became a master compartmentalizer though (not necessarily the most adaptive coping mechanism but it “worked” at that time in my life)…which brings me back to my urge to write about my experiences having mentally ill parents and raising Ian. Focusing on the present was my defense mechanism and it helped me when I needed it most, but at some point it is time to open the floodgates and not simply deal, but heal. That time is now. So through this process I hope to heal and maybe, just maybe, in some small way, help others (or at least one other person, really) be better equipped to deal with hard knocks. A lot to hope for, I know.