Why do I feel the need to write about personal experiences
that have had such a profound impact on my life and most of all, why now? What
is it that I want people to understand about life by reading about mine? Or is
it not about others at all but my own desire to share my difficult family
circumstances and finally, once and for all, face them head on?
Yes, like many
others I have successfully dealt with hardship and have been fortunate enough
to gather enough strength to manage, but it is more than that. I feel like I am
a better person, a stronger person, than I would have been without these
difficulties. How can so many negatives ultimately equal a positive? It’s
amazing that this is even possible, and I know that there are people out there
who can’t see the benefits of adversity and instead focus on what should have
been, or what would have been better. There is no fault in that and there were
definitely times when I felt that way as well.
Of course I wish more than
anything that there was hope for my dad and that the last 8 years of his life
had not been lonely and alone while roaming the streets homeless, or in jail or
mental hospitals. I wish my mom could function in society without having to
escape every so often to a psychiatric hospital because she can’t handle emotions
or maintain interpersonal relationships. I wish I had been better equipped to
raise my brother Ian as a parental figure rather than as a frustrated sibling.
I did the best I could throughout my 20s, but had I known then what I know now
I would have done better. These are not the type of wishes that can ever be
realized though; the past is the past.
Overall, I did a pretty good job of
living in the present amidst all of the
chaos lest I start pitying myself about not having a family to take care of me,
but one for which I had to bear the responsibility. But time does not occur in
a vacuum; the past, present, and future are intertwined and it’s impossible to
understand oneself and others in any one of these contexts without
acknowledging the whole. So despite turmoil and instability in a family plagued
by severe mental illness, I am ready to try and understand how my past provided
me with something (and more likely some things) that made it possible to
survive in the present, and ultimately believe I will thrive in the future.
But
what? And how? All of this makes me who I am today which I wouldn’t change for
anything, although I acknowledge that is somewhat ironic given the value in
evolution of self. One of the greatest gifts that I am thankful for is the
ability to self actualize, or continue to grow and change, to evolve and to
learn.
Ah! SO great reading this! I love seeing other people willing to be upfront, and honest about having a mentally ill parent. I totally relate and again, happy you are sharing!
ReplyDeleteThat is great to hear Brittany! Obviously people close to me know the huge impact that my parent's mental illnesses have had on the daily course of my adult life, but I really want to share with others who can relate such as yourself- and also those struggling with related issues who feel powerless to overcome and thrive- because it is possible. Your comment confirms that it really is time for me to do this, no more procrastinating! I plan to post at least weekly. Thank you and have a great weekend!!!
DeleteIt is time for us to speak up -especially with all of the available platforms that we have at our fingertips (literally) You will offer hope and encouragement to people who truly need it! Great work! I started a blog in Jan. (with no intention of creating a manuscript, lol) the more the word gets out that you can indeed heal, and grow -the better! Thank you, and you have a great weekend as well!
DeleteIt's nice that you are doing this. Growing up with a mentally ill parent is hard. My mother had paranoid schizophrenia while she was alive. I believe she took medications when she first found out, but ended up not taking them. She saw and heard thing that weren't there. She talked to the voices in her head and they told her awful things. She cut herself. She traveled, staying in homeless shelters preaching the word of God. She believed an old boyfriend injected her with a micro-chip and the government controlled her through it. She was embarrassing anywhere we went. She would do signs with her hands. Said that when she coughed, the people on the computer were making her. She covered her t.v. with blankets so "they" couldn't watch her though it. So many things that mentally ill people go through. If I had known then what I know now, I could have helped her. I myself am mentally ill. I have bipolar type 2. I know the importance of medications though and keeping myself stable getting the help I need. I too try to explain what mental illness is about. People just don't understand it. Many mentally ill people hide their illness because of the stigma. I am open with my illness because I want to educate people and help kill the stigma. It's sad what people go through and it makes it really hard when they are not medication compliant. I think you are doing a great thing here. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Joy! And it sounds like you can definitely relate. There is such a stigma about mental illness so props to you for being so open and honest! My mom is actually diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (and Borderline Personality Disorder and believe it or not, several other diagnoses) so I am somewhat familiar.
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